


Full Circle

by littlepancake



Category: Original Work
Genre: Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Coming of Age, F/F, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, M/M, No Lesbians Die, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlepancake/pseuds/littlepancake
Summary: After moving from Wisconsin to San Francisco, Riley Larson slowly adapts to city life. Everything is smooth sailing until one day, budding folk punk musician (doomed to fail) Jordan Leibowitz braves taking her out on a date. From that day forward, an innocent kiss turned existential crisis has Riley Larson reconsidering everything. Maybe she didn't do it right. Wasn't she supposed to feel SOMETHING? Still, even as the weeks pass her by, there's something within her that just feels...almost off center. As it turns out, the newest addition to her class, Carissa Rodriguez isn't helping her case in the slightest. It's crush at first sight and Riley begins to realize exactly what it is that's different about her. Riley likes girls. Riley is a lesbian.  Full Circle dives into the story of a young girl coming to terms with her sexuality, while making very important connections along the way. Connections that feel almost kismet-- fated. Do soulmates exist? Indeed they do. How can one tell when they're soul connected to another person? Well...when they find that in the end of every important chapter of life? Everything somehow always comes full circle.





	1. The Good Life?

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF THE FOLLOWING: self harm, depression, bullying, potential homophobia, sexual assault mention, suicide mention. (if i've forgotten anything please feel free to let me know and i can add it here!!!)
> 
> often I include youtube links and incorporate songs that will enhance the reading. feel free to click them and listen as you read!

_[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2NW5qL10H8&feature=emb_title](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2NW5qL10H8&feature=emb_title) _

_Friday, March 11th, 7:37 PM. The bedroom of seventeen year old Riley May Larson._

"Ugh, where the hell is it?!" Frantic girl with half buzzed shoulder length medium brown hair finds herself panicking! Blue eyes look about the room, pulling bedding apart while she's slipping her hand strategically behind furniture. Tight skinny jeans only slightly hindering her movements. But ah! She's found it. A loose fitting bleached muscle t-shirt that reads _Aries on Fire_ across the chest. A prized possession and a very important wardrobe piece for tonight, "Lookin' good now, Larson!" She's standing in front of that mirror presenting her reflection with approving finger guns. That is until, "Crap, now where's my beanie?!" Goodness, she's one big mess, isn't she? But how else is one going to be before such an exciting event?

_[text Carl]: Yo we outside_

Across the hall she's searching the bathroom, "Where did I leave you? I'm gonna' make us late and she's on in less than twenty minutes!"

_[text: Amanda]: Babe! We're outside :)_

Back to her room, "Dammit I--!" To her relief, there it is on her desk in plain sight. She's placing it on her head just as the sound of a _honk!_ can be heard from outside her open bedroom window. Parked in front of her house upon the city streets is that familiar black pickup truck, "Larson, you look great, get down here we gotta' go before we miss her performance!" It's shouted from the drivers side of said vehicle.

With ease she's slipping into her skating sneakers, sliding into her black unzipped hoodie and running out her bedroom door, stomping down the steps, "Bye mom! Bye dad! I'll probably be late, don't wait up!" Out the door quick as a flash. In the front seat of that two seater vehicle is Carl Segreti (the driver) and Amanda Morgan (the passenger). From under that snapback and aviators he'll chuckle, "About damn time! Let's burn some rubber it's her first show at _The Mile High_!"

Messy blonde bun is nearly taking over her head as Amanda speaks, "You look cute, though! Bet all the girls will be looking at you!"

"Small talk later, 'Manda, let's get going!" One leap, hands gripping the side of the truck and she's climbing into the back of it. As soon as she is just barely settled, the car is taking off. The wind is soothing against Riley's skin and she feels a comforting ease unlike any other. Though she's lived here since age eleven? Very recently, it truly and finally feels like home. Sure, she's been adjusted to city life for years now! But it took a bit of time to fall in love with _San Francisco_. She's no longer an outsider, but rather...a local. A local who is ridiculously pumped out of her mind right now.

Fate always finds a way! Skating down the sidewalk to the right is a tall, lanky figure clad in a folk punk t-shirt and a pair of jeans. His backpack is practically clinging to his bony shoulders.

Carl will slow the car down, "Yo! Need a ride? You'll get there much quicker, Jordan."

He turns, grinning from ear to ear, "Hell yeah, my hero!" He grabs his skateboard tossing it, along with his backpack into the back of the pickup truck and Riley is carefully helping him climb into the vehicle, "Man, I love concerts!" Looks like he's just as amped as everybody else!

"Damn straight!" Riley is patting his back, "So, what are you doin' after this?"

"Inviting all of you over to my basement to chill!" As if there had been any doubt, "I'm so glad Carissa's band is playing tonight. They deserve it-- I've been listening to their music all week. I got their CD from _Punk Island_ in Catalina last June."

"They're getting better and better every day, I swear!" But now she senses something within those dark curls that stare at her with the silliest smile, "Yo, what's with the goofy grin, Jord?"

"I'm just thinkin' about how I'm glad we patched shit up between us, you know?"

That's enough for Riley to smile with relief. So she nods, "Me too, and I'm still sorry for all of that, by the way."

"For what it's worth...kiiiinda' had a feeling you played for your own team. And I know it was such a dick move ignoring you after that, but I don't regret patching things up. You're like a sister to me now and I'd do anything for you, Riley."

"...Thanks, Jordan." She can't help it, she has to lean over to hug him, "You're like a brother. I'm there for you too. No matter what, alright?"

Amanda will break the heartfelt moment with a shout, "We're here! Come on, they're due to take the stage in two minutes!"

All four teens rush out of the vehicle running towards the door. It's Riley who leads the way, presenting her VIP pass, "My additional guests should be Jordan, Carl, and Amanda." The security guard nods, allowing them to step in where a second venue worker will lead them back to the side of the stage. To their luck, it's just as _Aries on Fire_ is taking their places, "Oh! There she is-- _Carissa!_ "

Yes, Carissa Rodriguez, the all too handsome and gorgeous drummer, who's short dark hair is gelled just perfectly tonight. She turns at the sound of her name, and she grins at the site of her four friends. She'll flash them a casual nod as she sits behind her drum set. Her two band mates, Katie (the lead singer and guitarist) and John (the bassist) will all eye each other. Upon Carissa's drumstick signal...

**ONE**

**TWO**

**THREE**

**FOUR**

Their original song, _Screw Your Thoughts and Prayers_ , will begin without a hitch. The crowd is absolutely losing it. Cheering, headbanging and singing along. The song is fast-paced and raw as hell. Much like the band's namesake, the venue is truly on _fire_ for them.

Carl puts his hand atop Riley's shoulder, "Yo, man, she's killin' it! I've never been more proud of my best girl!"

Amanda is gushing, filming the wild scene from her phone, "I know! She's so good at the drums, the crowd loves them!"

Jordan nudges Riley playfully, "Think of how much better this woulda' been if we lit up beforehand."

She'll nudge him back, cracking up, "Idiot!" She is completely engulfed in the rocking vibes and the vibration of the walls and curtains around her. Her eyes remain fixated on that drummer. It's Carissa's first real show! How crazy it is to see them standing performing where they are tonight. Riley can vividly remember back to when they were just some mediocre middle school band that just about nobody paid attention to. Look at them now! The band is _thriving_. It just goes to prove exactly what hard work and determination can do. These three teens _never_ gave up on their musical dreams and boy, it's paying off big time.

They only play three songs, they're one of the many local bands headlining tonight, but from the looks of things? Surely they'll be invited back. Because when the final song is over, the cheering and chanting is almost deafening. Carissa, along with her band mates are making their way off of center stage and Carissa will immediately be tackled by her friends who are showering her with compliments left, right and sideways.

Carl speaks first, high fiving her proudly, "Yo, you kicked _ass_ , Carissa! You doin' your best bud proud tonight!"

"Ay, thanks! I'm so glad you guys made it in time to see me."

Jordan is grinning, "You guys are the real deal, I can't wait for you guys to play real shows as headliners. This is just the beginning, I bet." Perhaps there's some envy there. Just about every time he gets a little too drunk that _I was in a band once_ conversation tends to rear its ugly head after all.

Riley wastes no time in hugging her tightly, "I'm _so_ proud of you, Carissa. You've come so far you totally deserve this."

Deep brown eyes look down at the slightly shorter teen, flashing a toothy grin, "I guess if you _like_ that sort of thing." She teases.

"I think she _does_!" Amanda interjects with a melodic tone and a quiet laugh.

But a sixth voice, very suddenly is joining the celebration of five, "Aww, boo! You guys didn't invite _me_ backstage?" Jensen Flemming, a girl with more money than she knows what to do with, walks right up to Carissa, presenting a devious, enticing little smirk as she trails her fingers down her bare shoulder and arm, "...You looked _so_ gorgeous tonight, Carissa. And you did amazing, love."

There is a brief pause...from everyone. There are mixed feelings, it seems.

"Uh-- anyway." Jordan will cut everybody off, "I'm gonna' make a group chat right now. Everybody down to meet at my basement in, say, an hour? I'm gonna' invite the whole gang. You guys can bring whoever." On that note, "I'm gonna actually start heading back so I can get the place set up, so I'll see you guys soon?" One more time he'll add, "Carissa you killed it tonight, seriously!"

"Thanks again, my dude!"

Amanda is following after him, "Wait up, I'll come help you set up! I'll see you guys in a bit-- Jensen come with me, I want to show you this dress in a shop on the way there!" She'll grab for her wrist.

"Oh-- uh, sure. Sounds good, Amanda. Let's get going." But not without one more flirtatious smile, "Carissa, I hope you'll come too tonight!" She'll leave with a wink.

And maybe Carl is watching Amanda take her leave with Jensen, eyes averting to places they really shouldn't be.

"Okay, you and Amanda broke up ages ago, so maybe it's time to stop looking at her ass." Carissa smacks the back of his head.

"...Yeah."

But Riley senses something else, "...What are you not telling us, here?"

Carl remains silent.

"Spill, or I tell Amanda what you were just doing." Carissa will take no shit. It's the Scorpio in her talking.

"...We've been hooking up."

"What?!" That's being said in unison by the pair of girls.

"Yo, keep your voices down! We're being discreet about it or whatever."

"For how long?" Riley's actually a little shocked that even _she_ didn't know. As the best friend, Amanda tells her _everything_. Or so she thought.

"Only the past month, we lost it to each other and then we just...kept at it."

"You had _sex_?"

"Listen, let's talk later at Jordan's. You two just...keep it on the DL, okay?" This conversation is over for now, "You guys want a ride?"

Carissa waves him off, "You and Riley go on ahead, me and the band will meet you there. We gotta' pack up our shit." But she'll look to Riley, "Save me a drink, dork." She smiles before she's taking her leave.

_Riley Larson added to the group chat._

_Carl Segreti changed the name of the group to The Stoner Bash_

_Robert: Lmaoooo damn straight son_

_Riley: Idiot lmao_

_Riley: But for real Jordan you got some or do you need me to message Anthony? He's dealing tonight he said he might stop by too but not til like 10 or 11_

_Jordan: Nah I've got that covered trust me Carl and I chipped in and got the goodies._

_Riley: Sweet._

_Amanda Elizabeth added to The Stoner Bash_

_Amanda: Hey! So how many people? And can I get a ride home from someone?_

_Jordan: Expecting somewhere between 20-25_

_Carl: I'll take you home!_

_Amanda: Yesss thanks! xx_

_Jordan: Get a room_

_Carl: Don't worry Jordan I still love you_

_Jordan: One doesn't forget their first torrid love affair_

_Riley: Oh my god you WISH lmao_

_Amanda: Ugh! Give it a rest!_

_Carissa Rodriguez Added The Stoner Bash_

_Carissa: So I just talked to Katie, the bands cool to come play an encore set for everyone later_

_Jensen: Soooo excited to see you play again tonight Carissa!_

_Riley: Awesome!_

_Jordan: Sounds good to me!_

_Carissa: But Katie wants to know if she can bring her girlfriend? If it's not okay it's cool she won't ask until I let her know_

_Jordan: It's cool with me you know my basement is pretty big_

_Riley: I've been dying to meet her she talks about her so much!_

_Amanda: Is that the one who wears all those really cool clothes?_

_Carissa: Yeah she's hooked man it's too cute she's a softy with her_

_Jordan: Okay okay tonight at 9:30 basement entrance is in the back. No coke- I'll rip your throats out, shrooms are fine. BYOB._

This is a night Riley's greatly looking forward to. And unlike her middle school days, she won't be standing in front of her mirror with an insecure glance wondering what to wear. Being four years older has taught her that in the long run, none of that stuff-- what you wear or how you look, really matters as much as she once believed. It's a liberating feeling.

What makes it so liberating is the fact that Riley Larson used to be a _completely_ different person. For a long time she wasn't crazy about parties, hardly wanted any attention drawn to herself. When things were dark, she didn't like who she was. But she has every reason to be proud of herself for coming so far. Out of the closet and confident as ever. A junior in high school, greeting everyone at the door with a _yooo!_ upon arrival, while sporting an excited smile and a pound of her fist. To her, things could never get any worse than they once were. Because she's standing around a crowded basement as it piles up with more and more teenagers who are loud, obnoxious and nursing beers, ecstatic to be doing all of these things behind their parents' backs. No, no. Everything is absolutely great, isn't it? Riley Larson is at her high school peak (one of hopefully many more peaks to come). Everything is the way it's supposed to be.

But it hadn't always been so perfect. At one point, her life had been a treacherous storm of dark clouds and violent wind tunnels that made moving forward feel impossible. That poses the question, I'm sure. Who is Riley Larson...and how did she get here?

...It started at age thirteen, with an epiphany. After her very first date. 


	2. Prologue 1: The First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems Amanda has hyped Riley up! For a little birdy told her Jordan Leibowitz has a crush on her...so she's supposed to like him too...right? It's date night for Riley Larson. But she's about to learn that some things are NOT so black and white.

"So, uhhh, you ever skateboard before?" Jordan keeps himself close to Riley, scanning from left to right to be certain they're left alone. Two kids crossing through a questionable location isn't necessarily a guaranteed safety move, perhaps on the way back an alternative route might be best...but then again if that's the case, how will he cozy up to her? Today, the pair of pre-teens, at the ripe age of thirteen, will be joining their friends at the local skate park. After all, it's Thanksgiving break! It means they can waste their long weekend doing whatever they want.

"Actually, no." She'll chuckle a little, "Carl told me you guys skateboard all the time even though he's not necessarily as die hard for it as you. And I've _always_ wanted to learn! I can ice skate-- and roller-blade a little. But that's about it. I'm excited to learn though!"

"Hey, I'm excited to teach you, Riley. Bet you're a natural."

There's a momentary awkward silence. It's...awful. But she perks up, just as they're exiting that questionable park, "So, I can't stop listening to the playlist you made me."

Jordan's face, it lights up like a fully lit menorah in the dead of night. He's shameless in gazing at her as though he's found the answer to everything, "R-Really? Like...for real?" Now he's practically tripping on his words! So much so that he-- nearly bumps into a street sign pole. Clumsy and uncomfortable. It's the curse that leads him to lose his balance, plopping backwards onto the ground.

Luckily for him, Riley laughs, quickly offers her hand to raise him to his feet, "Gotta' pay attention to what's ahead of you, there, Jord. Otherwise I'll have no idea how to get to the skate park!" Shoulder length hair frames her face as she peers down at him.

The moment their hands touch, he feels a heat surging through his entire being. She's _so_ cute, and he is _swooning_. Without a word...without looking away, he slowly rises. Gives her a half smile.

So quickly, on impulse she jerks away from his hand, "So, uh, I've already got some favorite artists off that playlist."

It takes him a good fifteen seconds to snap back to reality with a shake of his head, dark curls following suit underneath his hat, "O-Oh! Um, uhh...which are your favorites?"

In order to save the further chance of having to grip the grimy hand of a hormonally challenged boy, she shoves both of hers into the pockets of her yellow bomber jacket, determined to keep them there for the remainder of the stroll, "Well, I really like _Modern Baseball_ a lot! But I think _The Frontbottoms_ might be my favorite. _Days N Daze_ is pretty cool too! And this one wasn't on your playlist but you recommended _Tegan and Sara_ and so far I only listened to one song, but I wanna' hear more of their stuff." A pause, "So. Is it hard to find _Tegan and Sara's_ older stuff?"

"Oh, not at all, man. All of their music including some of their unreleased songs are on _spotify_. You can find everything there."

"I'm _definitely_ gonna' add everything when I get home!"

"Yeah, they're pretty cool." He'll rub the back of his neck, something strikes him to gauge the conversation to a slightly more...alternative route, "I think it's pretty awesome that they're into LGBT rights."

Somehow that strikes a chord within _her_ as well, "...Honestly, me too. You know, my favorite movie is _Rent_. It has a lot of gay characters, but I always wonder what a struggle that must be like. Especially back then."

Boldly, he decides to test the waters of his potential inkling, "...Yeah, but it's a shame they're gay, because they're both pretty cute."

Riley's shoulders tense up _tightly_ like worn out gears of a grandfather clock. Her pace is quickening as she steps a little ways past him, entering the skate park, "...If you like that sort of thing." She's already making a run for her group of friends that are spotted in the furthest corner of the park shouting their names jubilantly.

Thankfully the day is incredibly...enjoyable! Carl and Jordan take turns showing her skate tricks while assisting her on her own board. Three hours in and Riley could swear she's a natural at this! It's so free flowing and easy! Much like ice skating. Certainly there are a few falls here and there, she doesn't quite have it down to a T just yet, but she's positive she can get there!

"Dang, Larson, you're better than me!" Carl punches her arm playfully, "You're gonna' make me and Jordan look bad by next week."

"Don't hype me up, I'll lose my focus!" As if on cue. Mid slip, she lands on the toes of her right foot, proceeding to attempt the world's most horrendous looking Irish jig, all as she concocts a poorly done brogue style accent, " _Top o' the mornin' to ya' lads_!"

Carl is hysterical, joining right along with her, " _Jee-sus, Riley, are ya' loosin' yer' mind, ya' almoost gave me a fright!_ "

Even Jordan is laughing along with them, "You're both idiots! But Riley's a cuter idiot."

Carl feigns the saddest look in the world as he drops to his knees, "Baby come back!"

Jordan, feeling a sudden burst of confidence will leap up from the bench, down on one knee in front of Carl, "You can blame it all on me!"

The laughter is contagious, turning into a fit of rambunctious guffaws. But Riley can hear her stomach growling underneath the goofing around, and her thirst is becoming real. A soda with extra ice is calling her name, "Hey, I'm gonna' get some chips and a soda from the snack bar! Anybody want anything?"

Her newest friend, Jensen, grins while opting to speak for her and Amanda who are mid gossip from the sidelines, "No thanks, girl. We're okay right now! And still working on these nachos."

Carl will hand her five bucks with a casual, "Get me some doritos and a water?"

"Yeah, no problem-- what about you, Jordan?"

He's quick to set his board aside, fully prepared to join her, "I'll come with you. I'm not sure what I want, if anything at all."

"Cool, let's go." Once again, to be safe. She's placing her hands into her pockets. She strategically observes her friend from the corner of her gaze, though something within her is refusing to allow her to make proper eye contact with him. She only looks forward, doesn't utter a single word.

Jordan'll inch just a smidge closer to her, "Sooo, Riley, y'think you'll come to the skate park with all of us more often?" He's standing close enough that their arms are grazing against one another as they walk.

Even still, she rejects the chance to look at him, "Yeah, I think so. I think I like it. So I want all the practice I can get."

"Well I'm happy to help you keep at it, Riley." He is so entirely fixated on her. A true definition of a lovesick boy.

"I appreciate it, Jordan." She stands beside him in that snack line, posture stone cold, feelings becoming...jumbled and difficult. The air itself just suddenly feels...so _uncomfortable_.

"Hey, uh, if it's okay to say..." His cheeks are bright red as he stares at his sneakers nervously, "Y-you look really pretty today."

Riley will tuck a bit of hair behind her ear with a breathy, unnerved laugh, "Um, thanks, Jordan. That's nice of you to say." Something is...weird here. Her brain is a mess, she doesn't know _what_ she's feeling. It's almost as though her emotions are fighting with her heart. She's certain she doesn't like this sudden... _confusion_.

Jordan, very bravely, will place a hand onto her shoulder.Effortlessly he's leaning in. Lashes batting. When he closes his eyes...

Riley leans back just a bit, head turned slightly. Then their lips meet. She blinks erratically before she'll close her eyes. And she waits. For the spark. For the jolt in her heart. For that pang of excitement and warmth. When he draws back, she...stares blankly. She didn't like that. It didn't feel nice.

"...I-I'm sorry. Was that...okay?" He's anxious as ever. He can see it in her face, she's not as...thrilled as he would have liked her to be, "I, um...never kissed anyone before."

The internal panic sets in, "Um. I just realized-- I totally forgot. My mom said we're going out to dinner tonight to celebrate my dad's promotion." She is backing away without even _thinking straight_. Without even taking her skateboard, "I-I'm really sorry, Jordan-- I have to go!" Her feet surely won't fail her now as she dashes off home, jolting awfully fast.

Enough so that she'll barely catch Carl as he shouts, "Yo, where's my five dollars?! You owe me!"  
  


* * *

It's one-forty-five in the morning and Riley tosses and turns in her bed. Sleep just doesn't seem to be happening. The kiss replays in her mind relentlessly so. The more she visualizes, the more she feels...sickened by it? How...complicating. What's worse is the fact that she isn't the least bit tired. With such an active mind, she may as well reach for her laptop instead. Better to be distracted, after all. Maybe she can even seek out some second opinions.

**_Riley Larson has added Amanda Elizabeth to the group chat._ **

**_Riley Larson has added Jensen Marie to the group chat._ **

**_Riley Larson has renamed the group chat SOS!!!_ **

**_[Amanda]: Whats up girlie? Its so late!!_ **

**_[Jensen]: I was in the middle of Fuller House!!! Better be good :P_ **

**_[Riley]: It's about Jordan_ **

**_[Jensen]: Is that why u left early and abruptly?_ **

**_[Amanda]: I was wondering about that! You ok?_ **

**_[Riley]: He kissed me..._ **

**_[Amanda]: OMG!!!!!! OMG OMG!!!!_ **

**_[Jensen]: !!!!!!! TELL US EVERYTHING!!!! WAS IT SO AMAZING!!!_ **

**_[Amanda]: I TOLD YOU HE LIKED YOU!!!!!!_ **

**_[Amanda]: This reminds me of my first kiss with Carl....it was soooo exciting my stomach was flipping!!!!! I hope he asks me to be his gf soon!!!_ **

**_[Jensen]: Enough of that Amanda let Riley talk!! lol_ **

**_[Amanda]: Oh yeah sorry Riley!!! So tell us everything!!!!_ **

**_[Riley]: I'm wondering if I did it wrong or something?_ **

**_[Jensen]: ???? I don't think there's a wrong way unless there was tongue involved and you're not sure u did it right? ;)_ **

**_[Riley]: Omg no way!! No tongue at all! It was just a regular kiss._ **

**_[Amanda]: Then I DOUBT you did it wrong...why do you think you did it wrong?_ **

**_[Riley]: It wasn't at ALL like the movies_ **

**_[Riley]: Like....i didn't feel anything_ **

**_[Riley]: No spark...no excitement...i didn't feel anything at all_ **

**_[Jensen]: like...nothing at all?_ **

**_[Riley]: ....Nope :/_ **

**_[Amanda]: Don't be sad!!! :( besides it's not always like in movies you won't just ALWAYS feel something_ **

**_[Jensen]: Yeah she's right! Like sometimes you don't feel like nervous or zippy or whatever_ **

**_[Amanda]: Yeah what Jensen said!!! like sometimes you don't feel anything but it...feels right if that makes sense??_ **

**_[Jensen]: Yea exactly! You'll just feel right like you're supposed to be doing that! So don't sweat it Riley._ **

But that's just it...

**_[Riley]: Yeah maybe I'm overthinking it. I'm gonna go to bed._ **

**_[Riley]: Night guys...ily_ **

**_[Amanda]: I love you too sweetie!!!! Sleep well!_ **

**_[Jensen]: Sweet dreams Riley!!!!!_ **

There are a plethora of feelings all over the place within her stomach. But more than anything she's feeling so completely bewildered, _agitated_ as ever over it. There's a moment of defeat. She decides not to think about it anymore and instead decides to browse _Tumblr_ aimlessly while listening to music. _Tegan and Sara_ , on shuffle and a new song she's never heard before begins to play: _Dark Come Soon_.

Then it hits her. Intense and furiously. Right there on her dashboard is a gifset. The caption reads: ** _Favorite Lesbian Cinema Moments [ 2 / ? ] Cat Scratches: The First Kiss Scene_**. Two beautiful girls sit beside each other. They kiss, soft and sweet and nervous. So quickly it progresses to more. It becomes heated, intense, the girl with the shorter hair is towering over the other drawing them close together. Her shirt is removed...

Riley will gasp, innocently and anticipated. Because it resonates deeply.

Her body tenses once again, only this time, it's over the heat of attraction. The heat of excitement. The heat of connection...the heat of uncertainty _and_ certainty all in one moment. Her eyes cannot look away from the screen feeling an awakening of so many things. This is the answer to everything.

Riley Larson is...

She slams the laptop shut, uncomfortable and _disgusted_ with herself, "No." She'll bite the inside of her cheek, arms wrapped around herself, nails digging into bare shoulders, "Absolutely not. No." This isn't happening because she's not going to _allow_ it to, "...Just forget it." She starts, "Just forget it."

**_[Text: Jordan]: Hey! Is everything okay? I was so worried about you. Maybe we can talk soon?_ **

**_[Text: Jordan]: I really like you Riley._ **

"Just forget it," Watery eyes of guilt and discomfort turn the stomach acid to a toxic bitterness of uneasy feelings, "Just forget it, just forget it!" The crying is unstoppable but not entirely sad...just _bitter_ , "Jh-Jhust forget it."

The next morning will be a crushing blow for Jordan Leibowitz. Cordial as ever, he returns her skateboard to her while her parents are out enjoying a leisurely lunch together. She takes the skateboard and doesn't invite him inside, "Thanks..." Nor will she make eye contact with him. 

"...Okay...what's wrong, Riley?"

Glossy eyes fight to the death to remain clear of those heavy tears, "Jordan...I...I think you have the wrong idea of me." She'll rub her lips together just a little. She feels so unspeakably awful right now.

"What...what are you talking about?" His world is crumbling before him, weighing down the tufts of hair sticking out from underneath his hat, "We...you flirted with me. I...I thought you liked me too." 

She'll shake her head, "I-I...I misread things I don't feel the same way okay?" The guilt and confusion are prominent within her sorry looking features, "I'm _so_ sorry, Jordan-h. Can we...can we still maybe try to be friends?" There's a pause.

Because he's staring at the ground.

And she cannot see his face, "We have fun together...right?"

Finally he looks up at her. Flushed cheeks and salty tears of apathetic themed monologue on whyshe's abruptly choosing to give up on him, "...You played me."

"I-I _swear_. I swear on my _life_ I didn't mean to!"

He'll raise a single hand in front of him in heartbroken defeat, "I need some time, Riley. I-I'm sorry-h. But this is s-so stupid-h." He'll wipe his eyes on his sleeve before he's turning around and trudging down those steps. Out of sight as quickly as he arrived.

She'll slam the door shut, back pressed against it. Slowly she'll slide down to the floor, knees drawn to her chest where she'll cry hysterically. Basking in the embarrassment of an inner turmoil of _unorthodox romantic thoughts_. What are people going to _think_?!

But it's as _normal_ as playing straight. Because there is nothing _wrong_ with Riley Larson or her thoughts. But this isn't happening. For now, she will endure. She will play straight. Because she's not ready for this yet. It will be left in the subconscious of abstract thought.

So what, she lied. She can lie to herself too...right? Some things _are not_ black and white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do we think so far? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Technically, this story is completely finished (I started this story in 2015, finished the rough draft in 2016 and then forgot about it, and recently spruced it up and tried to improve it actually)! Though I'm sure it needs polishing, I just needed to share it somewhere. So I figured why not post it chapter by chapter for free on here!? But go easy on me, I wrote this for fun and have no 'training' when it comes to writing, aha. I'm actually also working on spin off stories...but that's for later. Let's see what people thing of this story first. LOL.


	3. Prologue 1.2: The New Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Christmas break the kids of Kennedy middle school are back to the old grind. But Riley is determined to make the rest of eighth grade amazing! Her little pisces heart can feel it. Her life is about to change! And it does...the minute she locks eyes with her gutter punk dream...Carissa Rodriguez.

_Monday, January 5th. Happy New Year, Kennedy Middle School. And welcome back._

That relentless alarm is shouting at her from the nightstand. With a groan, Riley grabs for her phone, presses okay. Though the snooze button beckons her, she cannot succumb to the temptation of a lengthy slumber. She sits up with a yawn. God, why is the bed always so warm and perfect in the morning, and getting out of it is like stepping into a blizzard? Medium brown hair reaches the very tips of her shoulders, and this morning her side bang is as messy as ever along with the rest of her unkempt bedhead. What an awfully disruptive sleep. But the night before school after a week long holiday break is always a total disaster. If it hadn't been for those late nights video chatting friends and falling asleep at sunrise, maybe she would be in brighter spirits today. Maybe.

Her bare feet are greeted with the cold wooden floor, she crosses her room, out into that tiny hallway and heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She'll gaze at herself in the mirror, internally formulating that imaginary list of tasks she'll likely be faced with today. It's only slightly overwhelming after a week of free time and almost no responsibility. When she returns to her bedroom...finally she is feeling fairly awake and alert. Closet door springs open, she browses carefully, trying to decipher the perfect look for today's return to the grind.

The day will radiate peace of mind if she keeps her thoughts golden! Riley heads downstairs, grabs for a cereal bar where she's greeted by her parents, "Bye, sweetheart, have a good first day back!" Her mother is quick to pat her head.

Her father on the other hand, seems determined to keep Riley young and goofy, "I love you, kiddo! Don't party too hard at school, stink!"

"Dad, please!" But still she smiles, gives a light-hearted eye roll as she turns for the door. The headphones are plugged in and she's on her way, her favorite playlist accompanying her. She's ready to take on this day with confidence.

The San Francisco streets are like permanent springtime, filling her with the scent of flowers and sweet things baking from the local market. Her shadow is chasing after her and she'll hold out her hand, as if to conjoin with it. As though it is her friend. It must be if it follows her around so much! What silly thoughts she thinks on a daily basis. Silly thoughts that keep her youthful and give her the motivation to begin skipping-- skipping and tapping those feet, dancing about the sidewalk and imagining she's exploring an endless, open field of wild plants and babbling brooks. A bubbly, nonsensical little thing she is (in the best possible way), eager to get to school and see her friends again. But little miss sunshine sinks to the bottom of her fictitious field in an instant when she sees the face of a boy who skateboards right past her. Jordan pretends she doesn't exist, aside from a passive aggressive shove of his shoulder to hers just before he's down the road. She exerts a heavy sigh. Maybe she deserves the cold shoulder (literally), she broke his heart. That makes her a terrible girl, doesn't it?

**BUZZ!**

A phone notification will interrupt her pity party, her favorite astrology app-- she could swear it reads her every thought!

_Feeling down this morning, Pisces? Try not to! Today marks the beginning of a new and brilliant chapter. While it could certainly come with ups and downs, it will truly be an incredible experience. Don't be surprised if somebody new pops into your life to change it for the better. So, keep that chin up!_

Chin is held high indeed as phone is shoved into her pocket. With one twirl, she spots the concrete staircase-- the perfect shortcut. Riley ceases the opportunity to leap up, sliding right down its banister with a cheerful giggle. Mornings are simple, mornings are serene. Sunshine tickles her face and fuels her delightfully upbeat energy that is slowly returning. For the remainder of her journey to school, she'll do her absolute best to keep the harsh realities of her life tucked away. For now. _Jordan who?_

While there are certain aspects of Riley's school that can be, well, a total buzzkill...the social aspects of it are something she thoroughly enjoys. As she struts along the sidewalk of that city that very recently finally began to somewhat feel like home (she's originally from the Midwest after all), she can feel this powerful sense of contentment wrapping around her gently, just as she allows her steps to match the beat of the song she's listening to. She'll refuse to let anything else to spoil this day! Thank goodness music is so soothing for Riley now. Blaring in her ears as she steps through the gates– backpack strap held tightly in hand. Right at the front steps, two of her classmates will greet her.

There's Amanda, her absolute best friend in the entire universe! Not to mention the very first person to ever talk to her when she moved here. Blonde hair and green eyes, she's truly the epitome of bubblegum fresh! Standing to Amanda's left is Kelly. She and Riley don't really hang out much aside from casual conversations in between history lessons.

The petite blonde is already waving almost frantically. Standing at four foot eleven, she's pretty short, "Riley! How was your break?" Amanda hugs her and Kelly stays quiet, "Ignore Kelly for now– nasty cold, she said it hurts to talk."

"Oh, feel better, Kells!" So quickly the headphones are removed from her head, placed around her neck instead, "Uh, it was good! I saw some family-- we actually went back to Wisconsin for a bit so it was really nice. And I got a Nintendo 3DS finally! So awesome. I spent most of break playing it actually. Parents hooked me up with tons of games for it."

"That's great, Riley! _Aaaand_ I've got some good news that might be of interest to you!" Amanda keeps an arm draped over Riley's shoulder as they step into the school, Kelly parting ways with them, "Carl's best friend Austin? Apparently...he's _so_ into you! Told him on _facebook_ over break!" She looks as though she's beaming with excitement over this juicy information.

Riley looks to her feet as they stop in front of her locker, "Ugh, does he?" Her face contorts in distaste, "I don't like him." She can only imagine the horror of holding his hand. Just the thought feels clammy and cold. Like Jordan's had felt some months ago. That's the worst type of hand hold, she's certain of it, "So, no thanks."

"Not at all? But he's so cute! Like, _every girl_ in the school wants to date him! Second most popular boy right after Carl!"

"Well, I don't! He's... _so_ not my type! He's gross!"

"Literally _every_ time a boy likes you, you say he isn't your type! I think your standards are too high."

"Oh, come on they are not!" She unzips her hoodie, stows it away as she gets down on her knees to grab for her books, "I'm just...not really all that interested in dating. We're only thirteen and out of all of us, you're the only one with a boyfriend anyway." But she stands, closes her locker, binder clutched close, "But hey, one day, like you with Carl, my _Prince Charming_ will come and sweep me off my feet! Just...not right now." Riley gives a reassuring grin. It's not that she intends to be such a downer, she just prefers a little control. The idea of someone else playing matchmaker for her? It's unsettling!

Amanda laughs at that statement shaking her head in the process, "You goofball– of course you will! You're way too beautiful to not find happiness like that!" Amanda, more than anyone, knows that Riley deserves the best, "Come on, let's get to class."  
  
  


Pile in they shall, just in time to be considered on time. Riley places her backpack under her desk, "Y'know, I would _kill_ to be sleeping right now."

Amanda giggles, flipping through her binder, "Same, girl. School's gonna' drag today. I can feel it." Still, it makes her wonder, "Don't you ever wish something could...just kinda' show up and change our lives? Like winning the lottery or a surprise field trip to somewhere really cool?"

"That's literally how I spend most days in class." Yet somehow she's still managing passing grades. Even with all of those unrealistic daydreams, "I heard in the halls something about a new girl starting up today though."

"Yeah, Carl was telling me about it! Not sure if it's for real or just a rumor. Although I dunno' why anyone would bother starting a rumor that pointless." But aren't rumors in general pointless already?

"I guess we'll find out, right?" Time for a subject change, "Also I can't get this song out of my head. It's been playing nonstop since we started walking to class."

"Oh yeah, which one?"

"It's this song my dad really likes by _Van Halen_. It's called _Eruption_. He always goes on about how you _can't_ listen to their cover of _You Really Got M_ e unless you play _Eruption_ first. He's such a music nerd." Forgive her, but she feels as though the image of Jordan's shattered heart is forever going to be stapled into her mind, "...He's a music nerd just like Jordan."

Sensing the sudden mood drop, Amanda attempts to keep her best friend positive, "Well, I read online once that sometimes when your mind is, like, really super focused on something totally at random? It usually means something having to do with whatever it is, is going to become really important in your immediate future."

"...Oh, yeah. _Van Halen's_ gonna' totally get together and play a concert for us during lunch, Manda!" She laughs all too playfully, "I'm sure it's just in my head because he listens to it so much in the car or something."

"Yeah, maybe...but maybe not." A suggestive raise of her brows and she'll smile before conversations will dwindle as their teacher stands before them ready to start the class.

"Good morning, everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful vacation–" But fate has a way of connecting the dots. Because the teacher is about to be cut off. A student who enters late, takes away the attention momentarily. All twenty-two eighth graders now turning to watch her hand in her late pass. Whispers come from every corner. She's the new fish everyone's been busy discussing all morning. Boy, word gets around fast! Looks like this isn't just a rumor anymore.

Riley is completely frozen, eyes fixated on the girl. _Especially her shirt._ Amanda was _right._

The sides of her head are almost completely shaved, her hair is dark brown, almost black and gelled up to one side– a short retro looking boy-style haircut. The girl is clad in a black _Van Halen_ t-shirt, a denim vest covered in patches, and a pair of black skinny jeans that are nearly torn to shreds by the looks of them. On her feet are ratty looking, studded boots, lace up. Her eyes are a gorgeous shade of brown, her cheek bones so _perfectly_ defined and paired with sun-kissed glowing skin.

"Ah, it seems we have a new student, she transferred from Los Angeles! This is Carissa Rodriguez and she'll be joining us for the remainder of the year! Would you like to tell us a little bit about yourself?"

Spunky as ever, she'll clear her throat, "Wow, gettin' the third degree early today." She'll continue, "Well, yeah I'm from Los Angeles. Santa Fe before that. And I spent some time in Mexico for a bit, I've got family there. Born and raised in the US, though. Guess I got nothin' else to say for now."

The teacher casually reassures her, "Well, we're all excited to have a new addition here at the school. Now, why don't you take a seat right over there next to Riley? She's in the black t-shirt."

Riley is still so taken back, but her eyes follow the girl as she walks down the row to her left where she takes her seat. When she's finally settled, she meets Riley's eyes, raises her eyebrows and flashes her a devious little smile that's followed by a wink.

The color _rushes_ to her cheeks.

Class is boring as ever. Carissa feels there's no point in paying attention when she's already entered late. But she can sense eyes. The most enthralling pair of blue eyes she's ever seen in fact. She'll meet Riley's stare again, "You make a habit of not paying attention in class, little miss?"

Riley stammers as she speaks, "G-guess I'm just tired after the break, h-heh. You know?" She's falling all over herself.

Something feels...mystically familiar about this girl. But she cannot seem to place it, "I feel you...but if you keep staring." Carissa is flashing a genuine smile now, "I think I'll have to tell the teacher." So clearly joking, she laughs a little. Once Riley joins her, she holds out her hand, "Carissa."

"R-Riley." How embarrassing! She's shaking her hand, but she can feel it! Her palm is so sweaty right now!

"Nice to meet you, you're really pretty." Carissa lives in the present. She'll say everything she feels. After all, tomorrow is promised to nobody.

Riley's focus will turn to her lap. Her face feels hot, but she's smiling shyly, "...Thank you."

Carissa won't say a thing. Instead she rests the side of her head on her palm, admiring the adorable reaction her compliment has received. _Jesus, this one's really cute_. She _likes_ Riley.

Riley does her best to remain focused on the English lesson, but she finds herself completely distracted. Every now and then, she averts her eyes to take a glance at the new girl, stricken in such an intense way. She wants to learn more! And she swears she's seen her before! But that's not possible. For she's never been to LA. It just feels...familiar.

Amanda reaches over, flicking her ear. The tone will be hushed, "Pay attention!" Riley's best friend is clueless as ever.

Riley jolts. Speaking just as quietly, "I _am_ paying attention!" _Don't ruin this, Amanda!_

Alas, the bell rings and Riley's nervously gathering her things as she stands. Amanda will give her a passing glance with a , "See you at lunch!"

"Um-- yeah, see you!" She's a wreck right now.

But Carissa steps beside her, tucks a section of hair behind Riley's ear, "See you around, Riles."

Just as the classroom clears out, until she is the only one left standing in that room, she places a hand to her ear. Her cheeks flushed a light pink color, "She's... _so cool_." Yup. Just cool. And totally not incredibly cute and pretty. Even so, here comes the biggest, happiest smile creeping across her face, "And she called me _Riles_."

The rest of the day, for the most part is as dull as can be. Though she is lucky enough to learn the new girl-- Carissa, shares a few more classes with her. Unfortunately, they aren't seated near each other. Take math class, for example. She's assigned a seat across the room, just behind her friend Jensen Flemming.

Jensen turns around in her seat, "So, you're the new girl, huh?"

"What gave it away?" She inquires in a playfully sarcastic tone.

Jensen narrows her eyes as if she's genuinely thinking about it, "Hmm, well I kind of know everyone in this school. And I'm pretty sure I've never seen your face here before."

"Oh, well, in that case you must be right."

The two of them will laugh together. But Jensen eventually offers up a welcoming smile, "I'm Jensen."

"Carissa. Nice to meet you, Jensen." Spoken like a little professional.

"I heard you're from Los Angeles?" It's common ground in a sense. Los Angeles is just about Jensen's favorite place in the world, "That's pretty cool, I spend my summers there a lot. My family's got a house in Santa Monica."

A brow is raised in pleasant surprise, "That right? I used to spend a lot of time around Santa Monica, a lot of cool local artists were always performing at the pier, I lived for it."

"No way! Then I'm _sure_ you've eaten at the Mexican restaurant there? It's heavenly." She's a sucker for Mexican cuisine.

"I have, actually. My cousin runs it."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah! She's a great cook."

"That's so crazy! That's literally my favorite place to eat in LA!"

"Well, next time you're there, you'll have to tell her you know me and get the royal treatment, huh?" She'll grin.

But as Riley watches the conversation take place, something within her feels...not so good. Her chest is tight and her stomach feels nauseated. It bothers her. Because...part of her doesn't like the attention Jensen is currently receiving from Carissa. It's nothing too crazy! It's just...Carissa is _so cool_. _Just_ really cool. And she _really_ wants to be her _friend_. That's all.  
  


When the school day comes to an end, she doesn't wait around for her friends, nor will she make any hangout arrangements. She needs to get home, it's urgent. But just as she's about to head to the exit, she's so distracted that she'll accidentally bump into another student, "Ah-- sorry, that was my fault I--"

There he stands, looking loathsome and bitter. Jordan Leibowitz, who's most recent memory of Riley Larson is the way she tore his heart to shreds right in front of him and proceeded to leave him standing in her doorway like a fool. Hateful eyes remain on her without word.

...She doesn't know what she can even say. But her defeated tone will finish her sentence, "...Wasn't looking where I was going. I'm...I'm sorry."

Three shakes of his head, he'll walk away from her with no contributions to the potential conversation they could have had.

Though she sighs, feeling incredibly hurt by his actions, and his refusal to speak to her, she truly doesn't have time to dwell. She'll place her headphones on and head back home as quickly as she can.

Her mother greets her the moment she's stepping through the front door, but Riley cuts the conversation short by arguing she's _swamped_ with homework. Feet will stomp up those stairs and when her bedroom door is shut, she'll get settled at her desk. She'll take a crack at her homework, but _ugh_ , what a mess. Riley's trying so hard, but right now her focus is completely shot. All she can think about is the new girl. The way Carissa called her _Riles_...the way she said she was _pretty_. With an angry sigh, she tosses her pen onto the desk, and immediately opens her laptop to pull up her search engine.

She types rather furiously, the only thing that she can think to search: _I am a girl and I don't look at boys_... auto-fill gives a few popular finishes to that sentence:

_because they fill me with hate tumblr_

_because I am gay_

_because they expect nudes_

_because I look at girls_

_does that mean I like girls?_

Riley makes her choice and opts for: _I am a girl and I don't look at boys because I look at girls._

An anonymous question website will be her salvation today: _I think I might be gay, can you guys share stories of what it was like coming out to your families? I'm not sure how to go about this. I am 13._

The responses pour in much quicker than she'd imagined. Her laptop speakers _ding_ -ing every few minutes due to a _new reply to your question!_  
  
  


_'I got lucky! My parents totally accepted it! I've been with my girlfriend for five years, we're even going to prom together!'_

_'I'll be honest. My parents took it pretty hard at first, but after a while everything was great! Sometimes parents just need some time to adjust so be prepared for that. Even if the reaction isn't so good, there's a good chance they'll come around. So try not to worry so much!'_

_'My story isn't very pretty. I currently am 21 years old and I work at my local Target on the salesfloor. It's full time. I remember being ecstatic to go to college. They caught me with her one night in my room. I was 18. My mom started crying like the world was ending, and my dad grabbed my wrist and started yelling at me. I remember hearing him say 'you disgusting bitch! how dare you!' and he was shaking me so hard. My girlfriend tried to push him away. He punched her. The next thing I knew, they were throwing a suitcase on my bed and telling me to pack my bags. They told me to get out of their house and that they didn't have a daughter anymore. I didn't get to graduate high school, I didn't get to go to college. I was homeless for two years, and I lived in the woods with my girlfriend (she was in an abusive household so she hit the road with me) who later managed to get a questionable job. Anyway, we live together now in an apartment and for the most part we're happy and things are okay- even if our jobs suck. But it hurts sometimes because...I lost my family. And that kills me. If you need someone to talk to sweetie, message me any time.'_  
  
  


_Lost my family._

**_Lost my family._ **

Riley slams the laptop shut, roughly runs her fingers through her hair, "God...dammit!" She sighs again, hands now gripping her shoulders, "...Screw that." _This is so stupid_ , she thinks. _This isn't happening_. It just _can't_ be. The young teen reaches for her Bluetooth speakers and immediately turns her music up to full blast. It's more screaming as opposed to singing, angry music- alternative and blaring. Once the music is up and loud as it can be, she heaves herself onto her bed, grabs for one of her pillows to smash right over her face. That's when she does it.

She screams into it. Loud.  
  
  


Not again, "Riley..." Her mother knocks on her daughters door, irritated by the volume of that awful music, "Riley! Will you lower that?!"

Of all the times to hear her mom complain, "It's not even that loud!"

" _Riley May Larson_ , you turn that music _down_! _Now_!"

"OKAY! _JESUS CHRIST_ , JUST LEAVE ME _ALONE_! I JUST WANT TO UNWIND, MY _GOD_! YOU ACT LIKE THE FREAKING _WORLD_ IS ENDING! IT'S JUST MUSIC."

"DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO BE BITTER ABOUT!"

The music is _hardly_ even lowered. Dearest mother shall retreat. Obviously something must be wrong, she'll have to pry during dinner, "...Dinner will be ready in a few. Wash up, okay?" She doesn't have the heart to fight with her right now, nor the energy.

"Whatever." The pillow is dropped to the floor, and she's left staring at her ceiling. Looking at those plastic stars, contemplating everything. What a mess.

When Friday night rolls around, Riley finds herself in much better spirits! The weekend means there's much more time to hang out with friends and completely unwind. Where else are you going to find every kid from literally every local middle school going? Walking about the city streets in search of the mall, of course. With Riley's hands stuffed into her jacket pockets, she's smiling as she listens to Carl, who's currently teasing his girlfriend by sharing an embarrassing story, "And then she stands up in the middle of class right? And she says to Ms. Hoffman _oh my god! Genocide, isn't that the name of a Phil Collin's band?_ "

"Oh my god, Carl, stop!" The girl covers her face, and Riley is too busy cracking up to even stop the boy from mortifying her.

"I'm trying not to freakin' die of laughter, and Ms.Hoffman's just like _...That would be Genesis, Amanda._ Like, yo, way to make the _world war II_ a joke, babe."

Riley has to cover her mouth as she continues laughing, "Yeah, way to go, Amanda! I swear you're a drunk."

"I am not a drunk!" But she's laughing too, shoving Riley as they cross the street.

"You are too!"

"Oh hey-" As she scrolls through her text messages, "Look who's gonna chill with us tonight!"

"Who?"

Amanda smiles, "Austin. And he _just_ asked me if you're gonna be there!"

Riley just looks ahead, gives a very feigned laugh, "Well...I am gonna be there. Unless you guys plan to ditch me."

"Nah, son." Carl snakes his free arm around Riley, only for a moment to reassure her, "We always chill on Friday's! We're not about to leave you behind. But my boy Matt might meet up with us."

"Oh, cool, I like Matt, he's always sits and works on his projects with me in art class."

For a moment there is a sense of peace. These are the times Riley loves most. Being with friends, leaving troubles behind for a while. The three teens are laughing together, waiting to cross the road before reaching their destination, the mall up ahead. Their steps are fast. But Riley isn't so quick any longer and instead...is distracted. She is struck in a way she can't even begin to explain. She turns, as if something possesses her to. Right in the middle of that crosswalk. There's Carissa who is walking past her. Riley is distracted, so is Carissa (who manages to keep walking even so) and looks back to lock eyes with Riley. The two stare at one another, completely captivated. Eventually, the alternative girl that Riley has become so enthralled with turns back around, continues on her way. But Riley remains stuck. She can't move. _It's her_.

"Riley!" Carl runs back into the street to grab his friend's arm, the sound of a car horn blaring as it zooms right past them and some sort of profanity is being shouted out by the driver. She's dragged safely to the sidewalk, "Jesus, girl, you alright? You froze- you need to sit for a sec?'

"No- no, I'm fine. I just thought I saw someone."

But Carl eyes her, then looks to Amanda with a calculated expression, "Hey, babe, I'm just gonna get Riley a water from the _CVS_ real quick, can you go inside and score us a table at the food court? We'll meet you there in ten."

She nods, "Yeah, of course- take it easy for a sec, Riley. I'll get you some fast food, it's on me!"

"Babe, you're the best." He's suave when it comes to the sweet talking, and he allows Amanda to part ways with them with a peck on the cheek. That's when he takes Riley aside, lowers his voice a great deal, "Look. I'm not gonna' judge you and whatever. But it was pretty obvious what just happened. To me, at least. Don't think Amanda saw."

"What? What are you talking about?" Maybe if she acts clueless, the subject will be dropped. At least it's what she's hoping for.

"Oh come on, Riley, don't treat me like I'm stupid."

Riley closes off for a moment, unsure of what to do and terrified of how her friend is about to react. Had she really been caught? She's not even close to ready to reveal this secret. She may not ever be.

"...You into girls, Larson?"

Riley says nothing. Instead opts to look down at her feet, the white portions of her sneakers ruddy from the city's grime. Her gaze looking nothing short of ashamed.

"Hey." Carl is gentle in lifting her chin to meet her eyes. He tries to comfort her as best he can, "You don't have to tell me, it ain't my business and I won't let this talk go past us. Shouldn't have asked a question like that and expected you to answer. That's not fair. I'm sorry."

The tears pour into Riley's eyes and still she can't say a thing. But she's well on the verge of hysterics.

Instead he tries a different approach, he doesn't want her to cry. So he gives her a smirk, "Saw her lookin' at _you_ too. You bagged a good one Riley, good for you!" With that, he lightly punches her shoulder.

Riley gives a shuddery laugh as she wipes her eyes, "You won't tell anyone? Don't think I'm weird?"

"Nah, of course not. You're still the same person. Now you're just gettin' some!"

As he laughs, she punches him back with a little more force than he had, "Oh god don't be gross!" But she's back to laughing, "...I don't even know if she likes me. We only talked once, and for like, thirty seconds."

"Trust me. A girl like that?" and he points across the street. Where Carissa stands hugging another girl, and performing what looks to be some kind of intricate friendship handshake, "Is gonna' make a move when she's good and ready. So be on your toes. I saw the way she eyed you. You got this, Riley."

"...Thanks, Carl."

"S'no problem! And I promise, this is in the vault. Now let's go meet up with the crew, I'm hungry."  
  


Riley is quiet through dinner in the food court. She's lucky she can blame it on having been dizzy from the incident outside and lucky for her, Carl easily backs that story up no problem. But all the while, she can do nothing but daydream. About Carissa holding her hand. Carissa wrapping her arms around her and touching their noses together with a warm-hearted smile. Carissa placing a hand to her cheek, and slowly leaning in for...

Austin slaps his hand onto the table, "Yo! Earth to Riley! Come on, we're all gonna walk around."

It's easy to bounce out of the little funk of the earlier conversation with Carl. In fact, by this point, the threesome that had been Carl, Amanda and Riley, has turned in to a teenage cluster of obnoxious mall rats. Six other kids having met up with them. One of which being Austin...who floods Riley with compliments and does subtle things like, taking her hand, or pushing her hair behind her ear.

Riley gives a look of distaste with an uncomfortable sounding chuckle. But it seems Austin can't take the hint. At this point, he's talking about...something. But Riley isn't really paying much attention. At least not when they pass one of the four alternative clothing stores of the two floor mall, _Gutter Punk_ , and through the entrance she can see Carissa browsing through one of the clothing racks and pulling out a studded leather jacket looking as though she's contemplating it, "I wanna' check out _Gutter Punk_ , guys."

Austin who still has yet to pick up on any of her cues interjects a little too enthusiastically, "You guys go ahead! I'll keep her company in there."

Amanda winks at Riley, thinking that this is exactly what's meant to happen between the pair (no matter how many times Riley stresses to her that she _isn't at all_ interested in this boy). Carl shakes his head with a laugh. Oh he _knows_ this can only end in disaster.

Though Austin is following her like a hawk, she attempts to look around. Eventually, she reaches for a pair of black jeans covered in patches. To her luck, they're even her size.

"You think those would look okay?" Austin, who is standing too close for comfort is nearly whispering in her ear.

Riley tenses up, steps away, "Please. Don't get so close to me like that."

"Come on, we're practically dating aren't we?" He smiles, placing his hands on her hips.

She shoves out of his grip, "No, no we're not- I'm really sorry, but, I literally have no idea where you got that from. We've hardly ever spoken-"

"Oh man you'd look _nice_ in those." Cramming herself right between Austin and Riley is Carissa, "You gonna' buy those?"

Riley who is now at a standstill for the second time today, feels the color forming on her cheeks again. Enough heat to make her wish she could take her hoodie off right then and there without it seeming out of place.

"Do you mind? You just shoved me away from my girlfriend."

"If she's your girlfriend, she must have low expectations."

Riley can't help smiling. Wanting so badly to laugh at that all too perfect come back.

"Not to mention I just heard her say she wasn't, so I'd go meet up with your cluster of friends you passed this place with before I shove my boot up your ass."

"Tch, whatever, dyke."

"Best damn dyke there is." She'll embrace it, rather than take offense to the word.

He's not about to leave without adding, "Don't catch the gay, Riley." hands being waved at his sides before he's backing out. That comment? Is merely out of immaturity and his bitterness towards defeat.

Finally, she rediscovers words, "Um...thanks for that."

This time Carissa isn't saying anything and instead she's giving an enticing little smile. Enough to make Riley go weak at the knees.

"My friend Amanda knows he likes me, and like, I told her I don't really like him and now she's playing matchmaker it's...kind of exhausting."

"Definitely sounds like it." she puts a hand on Riley's arm, gives it a squeeze, "Buy those jeans, you'll look killer."

"Thanks, um, yeah I think I'm gonna'." Or at least now she _has_ to. Carissa likes them, that's all the convincing the teen needs.

"Come on." She tilts her head, motioning it towards the registers, "I'm about to pay for my stuff too." Carissa waits for Riley to follow beside her, "So, feel like ditchin' your friends for a bit?"

Like Riley even has to _think_ about that, "Yeah, I'm sure they wouldn't miss me too much." And she'd be nuts to pass up this kind of an opportunity, "Wanna' just wander aimlessly around the mall then?"

"Not exactly."

"Then what?"

Carissa finishes the transaction with the cashier, grabs her bag and turns around with a smirk as she leans in close to Riley, eyes locked once more, "Just come with me...and you'll find out." Slowly she pulls back, walks right out of the store; standing right outside, pulling out her phone and waiting for Riley.

The only thing Riley can do is awkwardly fumble around to hand her money off to the cashier,

...and hear her heart pounding in her ears.  
  


It's the grimiest environment. Unexpected, maybe? Though considering Carissa's look, maybe it makes sense. The room is stuffy, kind of hot. It's dimly lit, and the floor looks that of paved concrete. There's a stage on one end of the room, lit up with bright lights and unoccupied instruments. In the back is a bar, but it's not giving out alcoholic beverages, no of course not! Nothing but sodas, waters, fruit juices. It's almost as if she's attending some crust punk gathering for the underage kids. Because every kid here, other than Riley herself, is the epitome of gutter kid. Mohawks, mop tops, greasy hair, crazy colored locks as far as the eye can see. Plaids, spikes, torn 90′s jeans and docs. The room is filled with the sound of, by today's standards, classic punk music loudly blasting through her ears from the speakers on either side of the small stage.

Riley is giving a crooked grin, taking in the atmosphere. Though she's just a little nervous, unable to find where Carissa has gone, she's going to enjoy herself in the meantime. But god, she hopes she isn't being stood up here alone! Especially considering how horribly she sticks out right now compared to everyone else. So maybe, Riley is just a tiny bit anxious. She approaches the straight edge style bar, requests a soda with extra ice. It's too hot to go without! By this point she's unzipping her hoodie, "Thank you!" And while it looks like for the most part kids are taking their drinks without paying, she leaves the man five dollars for being so quick to serve her.

Now, she about faces, scanning the stage as she slowly sips the drink, nursing it like nobody's business. Part of her wants to branch out, maybe make a few friends. But she doesn't even entirely know what's about to go down here. It would be worse to make a fool of herself. So instead she stands still.

The mystery is about to be solved when a few kids are walking onto the stage. Yes, there's the singer, the girl Riley noticed when she first walked into the room. A purple mohawk, long black shorts covered in patches, and a crop top with intricate patterns on it. The look is finished off with a pair of beat up docs. She's picking up a guitar as she sets up her mic.

Then there's the bassist. A boy with long, medium brown hair, blue eyes, looking cynical as all hell, but already testing his amp.

Then there's the drummer...the drummer is...

Carissa.

Riley is standing still in complete astonishment. No, this wasn't at all what she had been expecting.

The cheering begins and everyone's preparing to gather, the room filling fast. But Riley is so agile in breaking through the crowd. If Carissa is about to perform, then she wants to be front and center. It's amazing she even manages to get there, but she does and god damn she feels unstoppable for it. Her eyes light up when the all too attractive musician locks eyes with her, gives her a wink as she picks up those drum sticks. Riley can hardly stand it! This is almost too much!

The lead singer looks to her bassist, then back to her drummer, the beautiful Carissa who's banging her drum sticks together like a mad woman. Just like that, the room is filled with music again. Pounding, strumming, cheering. Riley's certain she'll be deaf after this! But it'll be worth it. For a middle school band, they aren't too bad. Though the lead singer is doing more screaming than singing...it's good! Just on command, Riley is dropping her head forward harshly. Back and forth, back and forth with the occasional jump or two. She's completely immersed in the music, head banging right along with it, right along with the other concert goers who are slowly forming a mob behind her, moshing uncontrollably. The smarter, or really simply less experienced, stay towards the front and away from the eye of the pit. Riley does the same. She's never been part of one before and from the looks of it, she's absolutely not ready to become one with that crowd. At least not yet.

The band continues on for another thirty minutes or so. Apparently, they aren't the only band performing tonight. Shortly after they exit the stage, Riley pushes her way through the crowd and makes a b-line to the back of the venue. Not only does she need another drink, but she wants to get away from the heat of the stage lights. More importantly, she wants to find Carissa again.

As if the girl is reading her thoughts, just as Riley takes her drink, there is a tap on her shoulder. She turns abruptly to see that beautiful smile greeting her. Short tufts of hair having been pushed back. She's a goddess. Riley takes a sip of her drink, " _Ohmygod_ , I probably look like a sweaty beast right now." Thank goodness her cheeks are already red from overheating, she can easily hide the embarrassment with a breathy laugh.

"Nah, you just look like you had a good time! Saw you headbanging- you into this kinda' music usually?"

"A little, yeah."

"Really?" Carissa is smiling again, a rather surprised smile.

"Really!" Riley can only smile back.

"Got any favorites?"

"Ummm, _Crunkasaurus Rex_ , _The Newports_ \-- there's a lot. We'd be here all night, aha."

"Don't worry, same here. I've got so many different kinds of bands I like to listen to on the regular. You got good taste then."

"Thanks, I've just, never really been to a concert or anything like that." She takes a sip of her drink, almost worried she'll run out of things to say, "What about you though?"

"Well I do like a lot of punk and metal, but I like classic rock too. My favorite band of all time is actually _Van Halen_ , I'm absolutely obsessed. Always have been." But that's for another time. Because she is anxious to know Riley's thoughts, "So, did you like what you saw?" Carissa is so confident when she speaks, it's as if she has everything figured out. Is anyone actually that perfect?

"...That was amazing. I-I mean- I mean- _you_...were amazing! I just felt so out of place for the first few minutes, but the second you got up there." She looks to her feet, afraid of tripping on her words, or blushing too deeply, "It all went away."

Carissa, who hasn't looked away from her once, watches over Riley as if she's looking over something extraordinary. For her, maybe that's exactly what this girl is, "Well, it's easier to play when I've got a nice girl watching front and center." She leans over, runs a hand through Riley's hair. It'll make Riley giggle all too cutely, "You gotta' be home now? It's ten."

"Uh, I should probably head out- I'm sorry. My curfew is eleven."

"Don't rush, lemme just grab my jacket and I'll meet you out front. I'll walk you alright?"

She's internally screaming at this point, "Yeah sure! I'll be out front. Gotta' text my mom and let her know I'm headed home now anyway."

It's so nice to step out into the cold air. Compared to inside the venue, it's so crisp and cool. She's able to zip her jacket back up, hands shoved into her pockets (after texting mom, of course!) and waiting.

"Hey, cute stuff." Carissa, zipping up her leather jacket approaches her. Looking as though she's calculating something in her head. Her own emotions getting the best of her, hold her back from making a move of their own, "Let's get you home, okay? You know the way from here?"

"Don't worry, I got this!" Finally, Riley is nothing but confident and bubbly, "It shouldn't take us any longer than thirty minutes, unless we take a bus, but-" Does she dare attempt to flirt? Yes,"...I'd uh- I'd much rather walk with a cute girl who's really talented at playing the drums." Followed by a rather enchanting grin.

Even Carissa is forced to look at her own feet with a lovesick gaze, hand covering her mouth as she laughs, "Okay, deal. Then we're roughin' it in the city streets for a while!" But, that's enough of a boost for Carissa's own insecurities to fade, and very briefly (as she doesn't want to push the bar too much), she drapes an arm around Riley.

Riley laughs again, at least now they can get to know each other, "So how long have you been playing the drums?"

"Oh, since I was about eight, I think? My dad plays drums, guitar too- he taught me for a while. and then I took classes in school too."

"Wow, so you've been playing a while. How long have you been in that band?"

"Well, we've been talking about it for two years, but we only started the band and playing shows recently. Katie- she's the lead singer-- she's really good at meeting the right people, it's how we get gigs. We go way back. We went to private school together for a while. She left a year ago, I left last semester."

"What made you leave?"

"Well other than moving from LA, they had us tackle religion and regular studies. I couldn't keep up with both, so my parents thought it was best to get me into a public school." Still feeling bold, "...Which is nice because I met you."

This is too much for Riley to handle. She can't even formulate sentences right now. Too busy doing nothing but smiling and wanting to hide her face all at the same time.

"But I've been babbling too much- tell me about you. What's Riley about?"

"Well, I do like music- but you know that. And, uh, I like art. My go to is drawing-- sketching, stuff like that. But I'd like to start painting."

"Oh yeah? You been drawing long?"

"Since I could walk practically! Or at least that's what my parents tell me. Though I'm sure you can imagine my early drawings were mostly just...scribbling. I used to live in the Midwest and I used to take art classes at the local community center."

"Yo, that's sick. What state?"

"Wisconsin."

"Oh damn. That's really cool!"

"Also, there's a chance I can secretly talk to animals. I talk to the elephants at the zoo all the time. But it's a _government_ secret."

The grin is unstoppable, because there is _nothing_ cuter than a silly girl with weird thoughts and ideas, "Oh, _really_? I'm going to have to call the FBI and confirm that!"

"You can't! They'll send me back to area 51!" She teases.

The two break out in a fit of laughter, pause to shove each other before Carissa takes hold of both of Riley's wrists, and the two lock eyes again. Suddenly, everything between them falls silent.

Carissa, looking more serious, "...Can I ask you something?"

She'll come to a standstill, "...Yeah."

"I'm sorry if this is forward."

"No it's okay, go ahead."

"Are you, um, into girls?"

For the very first time, she will admit it out loud, "...I am. It's just..."

"Not out?"

With a heavy sigh, "...No. No, I'm not. I-I'm sorry."

Carissa nods, her face is hard to read. Until she's letting go of Riley's wrists, hands back in her pockets, "So um, tell me when we're a block away from your house."

"Why?" Riley looks up to see Carissa, who's pulling a hand out of her jacket, and reaching over to take one of Riley's hands in hers. Riley is completely speechless.

"Just so that I know to let go before we get to your house. You know, so your parents don't see." She's smiling again.

As they walk, Riley has to be extra certain, "So um, it's okay if...I'm not ready to be out yet?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

"I just thought...it might upset you, or make you want to stop hanging out with me."

"Not a chance. Besides, some people don't have families as accepting as mine, while others just aren't ready. And there's nothing wrong with not being ready. So, you just take care of yourself." She gives Riley's hand a squeeze.

And though Riley squeezes it back, she quickly lets go of it, "This is my block."

The two walk down the street together, stop in front of her steps, "Well, thanks for coming to watch my band play." All smiles once again.

"Hey, thanks for taking me! I had a lot of fun tonight, really-- and...thanks for helping me with Austin at the mall."

"Listen, no one wants greasy boy all over them." She looks at her for a moment before she laughs. There's a split second of awkward standing. The two are unsure of what to do. So Carissa holds out her hand for Riley to shake, "See you around?"

After that hand shake, Riley will be all the more courageous, giving Carissa a hug, arms slipping under hers.

Carissa easily returns it, arms around Riley's shoulders. Squeezing her lightly.

"I better get inside."

"Aha, yeah." But now Carissa is just as flustered.

"Oh- um, here, really quick-" Riley, yet again being confident, passes off her phone, "Let's exchange numbers, yeah?"

"Oh, hell yeah!"

The exchange of numbers and a friendly _see ya Monday!_ Is how the evening draws to its conclusion. The door is closed behind her, and Riley leans against it with a smile.

"Oh, someone had fun tonight, hm?"

The trance is broken, "Yeah! I did!"

Her mother, who is sitting on the couch watching tv (with her father who is passed out beside her) pats the free spot next to her, "So, what did you do?"

Walking over with caution, she takes the seat offered. Part of her can't wait to tell her mother everything. She'll just...casually leave _certain_ details out, "I did the usual- you know, Amanda, Carl, and I we went to the mall. Then I made this new friend at school- Carissa. She's so awesome! She's in a band and I watched her play!"

"Wow, that certainly sounds fun! When do we meet Carissa? Is she a new student?"

"...Um, I guess you can meet her whenever. And, yeah she's new, she started up about three weeks ago."

"So you think you see a good friend in her?"

Riley looks to the TV, grinning a happy grin, "...Absolutely, mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do we think of miss Carissa Rodriguez? She's one of my favorite characters in this work.I hope you love her as much as I loved creating her!


End file.
